His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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