CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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