My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize