I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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