I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
