i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
