and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
