we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
