the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
