new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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