It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
