I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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