I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
