Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
