Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
