Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
