cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
