chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
please come you make the beer taste better
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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