Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
