Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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