Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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