he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
