Your face is a jimmy john
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
