On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
