She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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