I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
