Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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