Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
