my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
