My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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