I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
