community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
