mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
