i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
