I think I won the penis lottery.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
