i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I will pee on everything he values.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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