I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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