I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
