I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
