over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
