I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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