I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Life is so much better after having sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
