My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
