Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Operation Purity has been aborted
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize