I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
