I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
