It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
