My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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