I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
