Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
