I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize