I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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