i already hear my dad disowning me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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