Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
